SATIRE: Academic Medal of Honor Bestowed to Young Scholar Who Did Not Cheat On an Online Exam
Recent, earth-shattering studies have shown that in the past 4.7 years, just over 157% of online students nationwide have reportedly cheated on various tests. In light of this recent statistic, NASA released new technology called, “Browser History” in order to keep track of this issue.
However, with all of the chaos at hand, one shining example of clear conscious and good moral character glowed like a diamond in the dust. Harvey Mumps, a young man well beyond his years reportedly did NOT cheat on an online social studies exam.
The fateful step forward for mankind was recognized on December 13th 2020 during a medal awarding ceremony live-streamed by multiple national news sites including CNN, ABC News, and Fox News.
Wiping tears of joy from his face, young Harvey Mumps, accepted the gleaming medal from former First Lady Michelle Obama as the marching band boomed the National Anthem through the loudspeakers and local newscasters choked up.
Harvey’s heroic action was confirmed November 9th upon checking his activity on Internet Explorer. The only assistance given on his anthropology exam was from Clippy, the animated grammar checker for Windows XP.
Harvey’s teacher, Mr. Chester Norman, presented the accolade to the Education and Stamp Collecting Club on November 11th, and the monumental event rapidly worked its way from local to national news coverage.
In celebration of the occasion, Harvey’s mother and father treated Harvey to frozen yogurt, and a special day at the county zoo.
Upon being interviewed, Harvey’s mother said, “I couldn’t be prouder of my son, modeling modern morality in a way only an online schooler could.”
“Not only has Harvey demonstrated exceptional regard for the principles of online schooling,” said Mr. Norman proudly, “but he has also taken miraculous care of his equipment, considering his mic was the only one to consistently work throughout the Google Meets.”
Other students of Ozwald’s School of Online Learning, claimed that the honor was misbestowed, as they “didn’t know you weren't supposed to cheat” and “Sparknotes opened itself”.
Scientists make groundbreaking predictions that if Harvey Mumps continues down this path of honorable test taking and commitment to studies it could positively affect future academics and “maybe even his life”.
“I’ll never look back,” said Harvey, wiping a single tear from his left cheek and climbing into the back seat of his Honda Odyssey.